some throwback notes...July 24, 2007 - a birthday note to my kids

Aging is weird - I have found my 30's to be my most reflective years. When I was a kid, I had no concept of the years flying by - when I was in my teens, I thought I would live forever. My twenties were all about me me me. And now, I feel very grounded - able to look ahead with some clarity and look back with a mixture of joy and regret. I SO wish I could go back and do some things over again. What I would give to have back that time. I wish that I had listened to those that told me their life lessons when I was young. I wish that I had been the same then as I am now. But I have found that the only thing that stays the same is that things are always changing.This past Sunday, July 22, we celebrated my youngest son, Jackson`s, 1st birthday. It was a wonderful day....and took an incredible amount of planning. We shared this special day with friends, fellow church family and extended family. It was wonderful to see how loved our child is, to see all those who took time out of their lives to share in this, our last first birthday party.And today, I celebrate my oldest son, Damon`s, 11th birthday - and sadly, I will not see him at all. Each year, Damon's dad takes him for the week of his birthday - so you would think that I would be used to this by now. The difference is that now that the day of Damon's official move to his Dad's looms near, I am beginning to realize that this is the first of many special days that I will not spend with him. I suppose this is a mourning period of sorts, like how you celebrate all the firsts - first birthday, first Christmas etc, after someone has passed on. You try to put on a happy face, but the feeling is just not there. And while I know that Damon will still come home (my home) every week, I feel as if I have lost him. My identity as his mom, his #1 supporter and parent and guardian and guide is slipping away and it is all starting to sink in.What a study in opposites. So having this in mind, please read on ...Hold your children a little tighter today. You WILL turn around one day and they will be gone - my oldest used to be my youngest - my one and only. I rushed through those years, wishing them away really - wanting him to walk, to talk, to go to school, to be independant, and now he has moved on, moved away, and I supposed I am feeling what many parents experience when their children go off to college - only 8 years too soon.Take the time to enjoy your children for who they are, for what they do today. When you look back you will miss the messes, the time they coloured a picture just for you, all over your freshly painted walls. You will miss the time you watched them crawl naked down the hall and pee all over the carpet, the times they cried all night and you had to hold them in the rocking chair and sing to them and brush your lips into their warm hair.You will miss the food smudges left on the back of your shirt when they hugged you after breakfast. You will miss the times you had to help them search over and over with a flashlight to make sure that there were no monsters under their bed. Just one year ago I sat next to an incubator praying to God to get me through - to helplessly watch as my son fought to breathe. We celebrated every tiny milestone, every increase in heartrate, every additional hour without a seizure. Today, we cuddle and kiss and chase and hug our little baby boy.Just eleven years ago, I sat stunned, a 21 year old mom, not having any clue how to handle a crying baby....feeling completely inadequate...and now he is grown. What I would give to have those days back - to just take each day one day at a time.So don't wish these days away - they will walk when they are ready, and then they will never crawl again. They will talk when they are ready and then they will never coo and babble again. They will sleep through the night when they are ready and one day they will not need you or want you in their room again.Cherish these days - hold them a little longer, kiss them one more time, read them another book and then fall down on your face and thank God for every day you have - you never know when these days will end.To all my babies - I love all three of you so very much....