Saturday, January 24, 2009

Barf Juice

I have reached a new low in my bar-cleaning experience. And that is saying a lot.
I have been a bar cleaner for 2 years (less some time I took off in between). In that time period, I have mopped up a fair share of spilled drinks, swept up thousands of lemon and lime wedges, and retrieved probably hundreds of dollars of dropped change. Among the grossest of items I have found are: an unwrapped, unrolled condom (not sure if it was used, I didn't look very closely), a used Q-tip, some hair extensions, and a used tampon ( on the middle of the dancefloor).
That is, until today...I walked into the men's washroom at work only to be met by a very unmistakable odor - of seafood. Me, being a person who is very opposed to seafood, immediately began the gagfest. As I approached the urinal, I cringed.
From 5 feet away I could spot pink chunks. And I don't mean just IN the urinal, so much as ON the urinal, the wall behind the urinal, the floor beneath the urinal. Oh, trust me, there was plenty IN the urinal - conveniently trapped in the urinal puck holding mesh screen. GAG.
And not only was this seafood, but shrimp. And not only was it shrimp, but also little red bits that I can only assume came from marinara sauce. And not only was it shrimp and marinara sauce, but it was dried onto every surface where it was so hastily splashed the evening before.
This required not only a cleaning, but a scrubbing. And being that I only have regular length arms and not elasti-girl arms, the scrubbing required me to be VERY close to the whole gagaliscious mess. UGH.
As I was trying to keep from adding to the barfiness of the whole situation, I found myself swallowing. A lot. Have you ever sat up or laid down too fast with a full stomach and regurgitated into your mouth? My kids lovingly call this "barf juice"...pleasant, I know. Well, there was plenty of barf juicing going on.
This reminded me of the most recent episode of Biggest Loser (a secret love of mine, although I really don't know why). On this episode, the contestants were challenged to jump over this swinging bar - with the last one standing winning immunity for that week. Looking at it (while lying on my bed, mind you) I couldn't understand how they could lose....I mean, it is jumping like 12 inches off the ground, every 10 seconds or so. What I should have considered is that all of these people are seriously overweight and out of shape. However, while most of them failed in the first few jumps, there were two ladies who jumped over this thing for over 2 HOURS!
There they are, out in the midday sun, no water, jumping over this bar for hours....something like 2000 jumps. Finally, one of the girls missteps and breaks the bar. The other girl (the winner) looked like she was about to pass out, and they show both of them guzzling water moments later. This is promptly followed by the winner gagging and I'm pretty sure barfing in the grass.
She then stands up and says something to the effect of, "that's how I did it, you know. That is how I kept going with no water. I just kept barfing into my mouth and swallowing it. That is the only way I could do it". UGH. WAAAAAY too much information, but thanks Regurgitating Immunity Girl.
Well, I will end with this: If you are going to drink, and if you are going to eat shrimp marinara, and if you are going to use a urinal, Please don't do them all at once. At least not at my bar. Thank you....sincerely. GAG

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